Most of us can list (at least) ten traits we dislike — or even hate — about our spouses. Whether they are always late for appointments or they spend too much time working, the traits we hate the most usually become the focus of our worst fights, mainly because resolution feels impossible.
Four practical ways to stop being so annoyed by your husband
1. Recognize and acknowledge the anger.
When questioned, couples often admit they saw the same annoying traits before their engagement, but believed their partner would outgrow these "childish" behaviors. They are then shocked, disappointed and angry when things don't change, and the anger gets directed at the spouse.
Early in a relationship, partners may politely ask the other to stop the behavior, but after a few months or years of not seeing any change, this polite asking transforms into nagging, yelling and even shaming. Sometimes we look externally for solutions by asking friends or researching online to gather information in order to devise a plan of action to finally change this other person. If we don't see results, frustration increases because there are few things more aggravating than feeling unheard and powerless about something that impacts your life. We end up yelling and raging in an attempt to get something to change, but asking, planning, yelling and raging are not effective means of change. So, what do you do?
2. You must fall in love with the behavior you hate.
Sure, maybe you can't actually "fall in love" with your husband's sarcasm or your wife's anxiety about what the neighbors think, but maybe you can make room for this trait in the marriage. Maybe you can stop punishing your spouse. Because really, what choice do you have?
3. Rediscover what you loved.
In some cases, the "problem" behavior is the thing about our spouse we fell in love with five, ten or 40 years ago. But somewhere over the years, "I love how he is so social" turns to "I hate how he is never home."
You could spend the next five to 50 years shaming, raging or belittling your spouse, or you could find a way to accept this unacceptable trait. Now, you might be thinking: 'My spouse's behavior is truly unacceptable.' If that's the case, you need to think about getting out of the relationship. A union can't survive when one person actively hates the other. The ongoing daily or weekly vitriol is, in the end, more damaging to the relationship than the trait itself.
But let's say you do find a way to step away from "hating" your spouse's trait, and you stop punishing them. Funny things happen with acceptance, empathy and love — namely change. Real and lasting change can happen. It sounds crazy, but it actually works. When confronted with anger, disappointment and frustration, we tend to dig in our heels and resist change. But when we are given love and acceptance, it frees us up to explore other ways of being.
4. Look at the problem as a couple.
Imagine that you and your spouse both have on tee-shirts that read "You are the problem."
Imagine you are facing each other, pointing and yelling "You are the problem!" — heels get dug in, and it becomes a test of wills. Absolutely no change can take place in this situation.
Now imagine there is a sign on the wall that says "the problem" and you and your spouse are looking at it. You are standing shoulder to shoulder and both pointing at the sign and saying "this is the problem and together we can figure it out." That feels pretty different, doesn't it?
You can still hate the lateness, the sarcasm, or the anxiety about public image, and you will always argue and disagree to some degree, but you need to find a way to respect and love your partner in spite of these traits. And you might be surprised by how profoundly a little generosity and love can transform your marriage.